You may feel emotionally spent if your relationship doesn't seem to be progressing the way you had hoped. Typically, a couple gets into an intimate relationship with the expectation that it would develop and prosper over time. The disappointment that follows if this doesn't occur can make you wonder why you ever got engaged with this person in the first place.
What Is Relationship Burnout?
Certainly, romantic depictions of relationships highlight the notion that once a couple makes the decision to commit to one another, they enter a "happily ever after" condition. Even while you may be aware that a relationship's reality won't likely match this image, you might still be a little taken aback when reality diverges even further from the idealized picture.
Burnout has surely come up in relation to professional situations. Employees who are burned out experience fatigue and lack of enthusiasm for their daily tasks, but they may also be troubled by the thought of why they chose that line of work in the first place. The opposite of "marital burnout" in partnerships, according to Solaleh Zamani and colleagues' recent research (2023), happens when couples acknowledge "the reality of their marriage is not what they expected" (p. 1).
Here, the phrase "relationship burnout" will be employed in order to generalize beyond marriage. The Iranian authors characterize this as a state in which a person's coping mechanisms have run out of steam due to a "myriad of factors," including "emotional life lost function." This "profound emotional state" can cause a person to have a variety of physical and mental symptoms, including fatigue, headaches, and feelings of hopelessness and anger with their partner.
10-item questionnaire on marital burnout
You can assess your personal experience of relationship burnout before reading about the findings of the Zamani et al. study, which was designed to look at factors of relationship burnout. According to a previous study by the late University of the Negev professor Ayala Malach Pines and colleagues (2011), rate your behavior on these 10 items (0=never, 7=always):
How often have you felt the following when considering your marriage or intimate connection as a whole:
1. Tired
2. Disappointed with your spouse/intimate partner
3. Hopeless
4. Trapped
5. Helpless
6. Depressed
7. Weak/Sickly
8. Insecure/Like a failure
9. Difficulties sleeping
10. ‘‘I’ve had it’’
With scores greater than 5 for each item, you can diagnose burnout in yourself or your partner. The next question is which "myriad" of variables are contributing to this unpleasant condition. According to Zamani et al., candidates with high levels of alexithymia, or "without emotional words," would be quite likely. Due to their emotionally hollow nature, those who exhibit this particular trait find it difficult, if not impossible, to relate to or even be sensitive to their spouses. Those people's "deactivating strategies"
The Kharazmi University researchers suggest that individuals high in alexithymia may also exhibit an uneasy attachment style in addition to being poor communicators. Their ability to grow within their relationship and, more significantly, help their partner grow can both be hampered by the traits of avoiding emotional connection (avoidant) or being terrified of desertion (anxious).
Relationship burnout may also be exacerbated by a similar deficit: the inability to control one's emotions. People with high levels of emotional dysregulation might describe themselves as readily losing control when disturbed and having trouble identifying their emotions.
Rekindling the Burned-Out Romance in Your Relationship
It could be confusing to comprehend how attachment style could be "adjusted," as Zamani and colleagues suggest, because it is frequently assumed that it is fixed in early life. More importantly, is it logical to believe that alexithymia, if it is a trait, may be altered by treatment? In a relationship that has grown draining, turning the burners back on may also seem like an insurmountable feat.
Hope that all these beneficial developments are reasonably is offered by the Kharazmi University research team and the therapy clinic with which it is affiliated. Increasing awareness and understanding of the emotional experiences that take place in a couple's life is one step toward accomplishing this goal. The research suggests that you start by working with your spouse to pause and reflect on your emotions as they change throughout the course of your daily encounters. This can be translated into actionable steps. Which long-held concerns and insecurities are triggered when you argue? What other equally intensely joyful emotions arise when you and your spouse affirm one another's feelings? It may be even more compelling to accept the challenge if one of you is uncomfortable discussing your feelings.
To summarize, the Iranian study demonstrates that burnout can be treated, if not prevented, even though it may appear to be an unavoidable consequence of a relationship that has survived over time. As you strive to uncover and acquire control over your emotions, you will be on the way toward finding fulfillment in enjoying each other’s inner lives.
Chris Packham, LAADC, M-RAS, MSW, CCDS, MATC
for more information on counseling, contact 408-915-1321
