Being a counselor, I frequently emphasize self-empowerment. I want my customers to be successful, and the simplest path to success is to ensure that all of your aspirational goals are entirely within your reach.
I advise my clients to rapidly get rid of any fictitious ambitions because of this. By that, I mean objectives that truly center on the partner's modification. The phrase "I want my partner to go to the gym so I will be more attracted to them" or "I want my partner to want to have sex more frequently" are examples of pseudo-goals. Goals like that aren't goals at all; they just wish for external changes to occur, which are, of course, out of your control. objectives that are beyond your control. Goals that are outside of your locus of control are a near-guaranteed ticket to frustration and disappointment—and a great way to irritate your partner as well.
This does not imply that you shouldn't harbor hopes or dreams that your partner will alter in some way. It's very normal to experience these emotions and thoughts! However, it is crucial to understand that those are only wishes and not actual things you can manage in order to prevent anger and disappointment.
What choices do you have when you want your partner to modify something?
Consider carefully why the change is significant to you before moving forward. You can start a meaningful dialogue with them in which you sincerely convey what you miss, wish for, or desire by being upfront about this.
Consider the possibility that you observe, for instance, that kids spend a lot of time engrossed in their devices. Do you long for their undivided focus? Do you like to put down your electronics during meals so you can take a tech break? or something altogether different? If you want to understand what this means to you on a deeper level than just a complaint, give it some thought. Plan to pay attention to your preferences, feelings, and desires while also setting aside time and space to get curious about what others believe, feel, and want regarding the same problem. Prepare to truly put yourself in their position, comprehend the situation from their point of view, and communicate with them.
Whenever you're prepared, start a discussion. Tell them about your experience and why the matter is important to you instead of criticizing their behavior. I strongly advise being straightforward and nonjudgmental. I also advise putting more emphasis on what you want than what you don't want. the following examples:
- “It provides me with a really great feeling of connection to you and also makes a nice stop in my otherwise busy day. I really miss eating meals with you where we talk about our days and generally take a break from computers and technology.”
- “You understand how inconsiderate it is for you to use your phone during meals." Why do you keep doing that when you know how much I detest it? "How difficult is it to simply put your phone down?”
These are two distinct methods of saying the same thing, but you can reasonably guess that they will probably have quite different results. While the second version is likely to immediately put the listener on the defensive, the first frames the situation in positive terms, focusing on what the speaker genuinely wants, and reaching out to the caring, compassionate part of the listener who really wants to connect with their spouse.
The following section of the dialogue entails inquiring about their views on this matter:
- What do they believe, feel, favor, or desire?
- What about it is essential to them?
- What is it that they desire you to comprehend about their viewpoint?
The word that we search for is empathy; dig deep and be ready to challenge yourself to see the situation through their lens, so ultimately you have had conversations that honor both of your perspectives equally.
The goal of these phases of the conversation is to get to know one another (and oneself) better in relation to the topic. That's not problem-solving, so take your time and don't stress about coming up with a solution right away. Get clear on what this is all about for each of you by putting your attention there. For instance, you might discover that they've been feeling much more stressed than usual at work and are instinctively reaching for their phone as a quick and easy way to self-soothe. When they sense your annoyance that they're looking at their phone instead of at you, it causes them to feel even more stressed and makes them more likely to be drawn to their phone's screen.
When your partner feels heard, they are much more likely to be receptive to trying something new. Taking the time to thoroughly grasp the dynamics at play in the scenario can help disarm some of the unpleasant feelings you may both be having. You could even wish to change something for yourself.
I advise you to do so in a different conversation if you want to go to the problem-solving stage. You may inquire whether they'd be interested in collaborating with you to find a solution that benefits the two of you. I advise asking before jumping in because your spouse is less likely to be adaptable or innovative in the problem-solving process if they feel cornered or under pressure. That's just how people are; to develop an interest in possibilities outside of our comfort zone. Nobody performs that well when they feel scrutinized, assaulted, or on guard. If you and your partner become embroiled in a power struggle, they'll probably escalate the conduct you're referring to.
Here's an example of how you and your partner could approach this discussion:
1. Give up hoping to have any influence over your partner's behavior. No matter how you phrase your request, it's always possible that your spouse will just respond, "No." Accept that possibility; they are entitled to their own opinions just as much as you are.
2. Be specific with your request. If your only thought is a complaint, dig deeper to discover what's really going on for you. Discover what matters most to you about this subject before bringing it up with your partner. This topic is significant to you for a reason.
3. Put it in a favorable light. Talking about what you want to experience rather than whining is a much more effective change agent.
4. Be receptive to hearing their viewpoint and finding out why they don't share your preferences. If it comes out that you and the other person have a significant disagreement, don't argue or dig in; instead, show curiosity. Pose inquiries. Find out more about their situation. Your partner will feel that it is hard, and you might discover that there are parts of the problem that you hadn't thought of. The act of thinking through the problem could give your spouse the chance to consider what is and isn't working for them. You might also find out that there are ways you can help that you hadn't considered previously.
5. Allow the person making the modification to make the final decision. Keep in mind that neither you nor your partner can alter anyone else but themselves. You may ask someone to change, and you can encourage them to change, but you cannot force anyone else to change besides yourself.
6. Respect one another and show gratitude. Deep conversations like these require courage, love, and respect to engage in. Remember the value of honoring one another and the process of showing up genuinely and improving as teammates with the kinds of issues we have.
Remember, in all relationships, we need to dedicate time and energy to helping this Chinese bamboo tree grow. If you don't know the story, I encourage you to read about this unique tree.
Chris Packham, LAADC, M-RAS, MSW, CCDS, MATC, CS
For any additional information please contact me at 408-915-1321 or dcpackhams@gmail.com
