Are you frequently filled with anger or constantly stewing over something? It's possible that there are underlying hurts fueling these emotions. Let me guide you through the process of analyzing your anger. Our emotions play a significant role in expressing ourselves, shaping our self-perception, influencing our decisions, shaping our beliefs about the world, and impacting our interactions with others. Renowned psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman identified six fundamental emotions that we all experience: fear, surprise, happiness, sadness, disgust, and anger. Among these emotions, anger is often the most destructive in relationships, even though it is a normal and universal emotion. The way you express anger is influenced by your personality and upbringing. If feeling angry makes you vulnerable and exposed, you may suppress it and avoid expressing it due to a fear of losing control. Suppressed anger, however, can lead to anxiety and feelings of depression. On the other hand, some people don't filter their anger at all and immediately express it aggressively through yelling, harsh words, or actions.
An action as simple as deleting someone from your contacts or blocking their messages may result from feeling angered or hurt by their words. Instead of engaging in an argument or responding with insults, you choose to remove them from your life. Sometimes, immediately expressing anger can be beneficial, allowing you to release negative emotions and move forward. However, it can become problematic when the response is overly aggressive, such as blowing up at people or reacting disproportionately to triggers. Chronic anger, where one is always angry or annoyed, can also indicate a deeper issue. Therefore, anger can be adaptive if it helps you eliminate negative situations or experiences, like deleting people who upset you, but it can be maladaptive when its expression does more harm than good. When dealing with maladaptive anger, it is helpful to explore the underlying causes.
One approach to examining your anger is to visualize it as an iceberg. Above the water's surface, you have the visible part, which represents the triggering situation. Just below the surface, there are your hurt feelings and unmet needs. At the deepest layer lies fear. Let's analyze an example together. Think of a situation where you felt excessively angry or as if someone poked a sore spot, leaving you aggravated, distracted, and in a negative headspace. For this hypothetical example, let's say your sister Jane asked to borrow $500 to start a new business after quitting her job. You lend her the money despite doubting her capabilities. Months later, you discover that Jane closed down the business without informing you and had no intention of repaying the loan. At a family dinner, when you express your anger, your mother responds dismissively, saying you can afford to lose $500, and your father asks you to be the bigger person. These reactions infuriate you further, leading to a blow-up and subsequent tear.
Let's analyze the iceberg in this scenario. Did you have a right to be angry at Jane for her actions? Yes, but that alone didn't cause the intense anger and the scenes at the dinner and with your father. Looking at the top of the iceberg, your mother's comment that you don't need the money hurt you deeply. It taps into a recurring theme where, as a successful child, you haven't received as much attention and support as your sister. Your self-sufficiency made it easy for your parents to assume you didn't need their assistance, resulting in emotional neglect. The second blow came from your father's expectation that you be the bigger person, triggering a long-standing hurt of feeling like you must always suppress your emotions and not show upset. Moving even deeper, what unmet need surfaces? In this case, you needed your parents to empathize with your anger toward your sister's inconsiderate behavior and acknowledge your right to be upset instead of treating you as a bully. Delving further, what fear arises? You fear that your family will never accept your imperfections, and if they do, they won't love you. You fear that your self-sufficiency and lack of needs will perpetuate a dynamic where you never feel close to them, and deep down, you may harbor feelings of resentment.
Although this conclusion may sound harsh, it often reflects the ugly and primitive core of fears that trigger anger. These primitive thoughts are typically uncomfortable to accept consciously, and seeking help from a trained professional can aid in recognizing and addressing them. However, with ample self-reflection, you can also become self-aware. Uncovering unpleasant thoughts allows you to address the underlying hurt and fear directly rather than merely reacting to them. In this case, after reflecting on your intense anger over the $500 incident, you realize the need to have a conversation with your parents about your feelings of emotional neglect and their use of your success against you. While you may have grievances against your sister for her entitlement and insensitivity, it is your parents who have caused the deeper hurt. Having an open dialogue can help them understand what has truly bothered you, which goes beyond the money, and provide an opportunity for them to make amends.
It's important to note that some parents intentionally harm their children, and that is a terrible reality. However, many parents are flawed individuals who unintentionally make mistakes, unaware of the long-term effects. I have witnessed numerous instances where parents were confronted about their unintentional actions and were genuinely surprised by their child's harbored feelings. A mother might say, "I was just so grateful that I didn't have to worry about you like I did for Jane." She fails to realize that focusing on the special needs child makes the self-sufficient one feel unloved. These dynamics persist in various situations until they are finally addressed. Viewing the anger of others through the lens of an iceberg can foster empathy, understanding that volatile individuals may have unresolved needs. This understanding doesn't excuse their actions, but it may help you avoid engaging in battles unrelated to the surface issue that triggered their anger.
For more information, contact Chris at 408-915-1321 or email at dcpackhams@gmail.com
Chris Packham, LAADC, MSW, M-RAS, MATC, CCDS
