Do any of those actions ring a bell in your own interpersonal interactions?
Most people want to display their most appealing and alluring behaviors in their hunt for a spouse, whether as a result of media advice or social pressures.
Sadly, the "positives only" presentation will inevitably encounter issues, as it is inevitable that skeletons will ultimately show themselves. Every person carries along mental and physical baggage that, when it is ultimately revealed, can cause disillusionment, and jeopardize the relationship.
The majority of people tell me that their relationships break down due to newly discovered incompatibilities, previously unrecognized deal breakers, or crises like infidelity or newly discovered addictions.
However, in my more than four decades as a relationship therapist, I have discovered that even when the more overt causes are absent, there are frequently underlying personality traits and behaviors that are likely to drive a partner away. In addition, people enter each new relationship already manifesting them, and if they don't realize it, their actions could end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm going to discuss 10 of them that frequently come up in therapy sessions, but you might also encounter several in your own relationships that have a similar impact. They all share the trait of being less obvious at the beginning of a relationship but eventually leading to emotional allergies.
1. Outrage
Others either put up with constant indignation expressions or support and expand them. Most of the time, they serve as a mask for helplessness, but when repeated, they nevertheless poison the connection. Oftentimes, outrages are impossible to fix. They lead a life of their own, rendering the other spouse helpless.
2. Urgency
In Alice in Wonderland, the White Rabbit declares, "I'm late." I'm running behind schedule. for a very significant occasion. No opportunity to say hello or farewell. I'm running behind schedule. My tardiness Individuals who constantly anticipate catastrophes and are in war mode cannot rest. They live in a permanent state of urgency. They are unable to be totally present in the present because their attention is on the future.
3. Poor Tolerance for Frustration
Are you easily irritable? Do most individuals and circumstances annoy you frequently? When something doesn't turn out the way you intended, do you respond quickly? Do others frequently feel the need to "calm you down"? Under most circumstances, no one should be around someone who is that intolerant of several minor irritations. It simply steals the joy away from everything positive or enjoyable that could be the emphasis.
4. Continuous Rehashing
Do you or someone you know often go over the same events and relive the most agonizing moments? Even though they repeatedly repeat themselves, they are fixated on finding the truth. Most of the time, people are so consumed by these endless searches that they are unable to accept new information that could actually help break the cycle.
5. Stand Cycling
Being on the receiving end of someone who only views things from their own perspective, only speaks about themselves, never asks you about yourself, doesn't keep track of what you've said, and takes up the majority of every contact is very difficult. Don't bother competing unless that individual is captivating and charming; then it might be worth the show.
6. Continual Lateness
Simply put, there is no effective method to handle someone who repeatedly keeps you waiting. It is difficult to correct them because they usually feel bad for hurting you, but doing so can eventually drive you insane. Inertia is the most frequent cause of persistent tardiness. Some people struggle to let go of what they are doing and don't give themselves enough time to change their course. Nonetheless, they are frequently characterized as being unable to be tolerated and passive/aggressive.
7. Chipping
One surefire way to alienate people is to consistently break your promises. The foundation of any successful relationship is trust. If someone truly wants to earn your confidence, they won't ignore or rationalize breaching a contract without first trying to renegotiate it or making a sincere commitment to refrain from doing so. It's OK to make a promise and occasionally not be able to keep it, but it's not acceptable to suddenly disappear without explanation or to fail to realize the harm that does to a relationship.
8. Cheapness
When someone is nervous about being taken advantage of, they are frequently worried about losing out. They might demonstrate this by undertipping waitstaff, haggling to get the best deal in every situation, taking advantage of others more readily than they do themselves, and being ready to point the finger at others. They believe that if someone hasn't merited their generosity by their own standards, they don't deserve it.
9. Teaser and teases
If the teaser and "teases" are comfortable with the interaction, playful teasing is completely fine. Yet, sarcasm is frequently motivated by disdain or contempt. The joke is about the person on the other end, who may be amicable enough to laugh, but it's usually an uncomfortable hilt covered in roses. Those who are sarcastic may be insecure, uncomfortable with intimacy, or afraid of being the punchline of a joke, but after time, that behavior can become tiresome. If they are humorous enough to get away with it or when they are told they have wounded someone, people are more willing to put up with them; however, with time, it becomes increasingly unpleasant.
10. Perpetual Victims
Everybody experiences periods in their lives when they are genuinely victims of crime or must endure terrible trauma and loss. Even if it takes some time, the majority make every effort to bounce back and resume living a better life. Others, though, appear to live a victimized life. Someone is doing them wrong. Life experiences deceive them. Others don't treat them fairly. Nobody can comprehend how hopeless their situation is, and nothing they do can change it. Many people try but to no avail. They have married their misery.
Chris Packham, LAADC, M-RAS, CCDS, CS
